census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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