I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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