Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
