What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
