It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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