Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
