you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
