I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
