Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize