i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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