moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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