Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
