oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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