So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
