She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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