roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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