im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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