If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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