I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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