I want you more than these girls want KFC
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
