Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
