Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
