I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize