i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
