I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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