I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
