I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
