How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
