I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
