Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
