She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
