his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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