Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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