two words: eviction party
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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