I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
