I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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