Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Someone shattered a urinal.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize