We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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