Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
