I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
