I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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