If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
