what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
