3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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