So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
