i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
