you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
