I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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