the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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