Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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