btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
