Just cropdusted the office
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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