your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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