Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
