Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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