Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
