my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
