Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
