This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
