I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
