I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
