dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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